Kingdom Relationships: Single

According to the U.S. Census Bureau in 2020, 46% of adults in the United States over the age of 18 are single, nearly 132 million adults. If we factor out the number of these who are cohabiting, nearly a third of adults in the U.S. are single and un-partnered.

When we consider the church as a sub-set of our national population, a recent study by the Barna Group found that 23% of all active church attenders are single, either never married, divorced, or widowed.

Even younger teens experience pressure among peers to be in a relationship. They may not use the word “single” in the same way as adults, but being alone, not having a best friend or go-to person can be a challenge.

For Connie and me, this topic is near to our hearts. Marriage has been fulfilling for us so, as our four daughters were growing up, we prayed intentionally and often for their future husbands. For three daughters to now be married and one to be living as a single person has been a process of surrender—with a good outcome. We have come to celebrate her singleness as a complete and fulfilled life provided by God.

In the same way that the church takes active steps to support marriage and family, we need to be equally intentional about championing and honoring living for Jesus as a single person as a life that is rich and fulfilling. How can we recognize, honor, and care well for all who live among us as singles?

We can know that living single is firmly biblical.

In Matthew 19 Jesus set marriage and singleness side by side, as distinct assignments in the kingdom of God. This was a radical departure from the prevailing expectation that Jewish men and women would marry and have children. In his kingdom, Jesus declared, there is exceptional value in living single.

In the Old Testament, God’s first command to humankind is: “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth” (Genesis 1:28). In the New Testament, Jesus’ great commission to his followers is: “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations” (Matthew 28:19). Jesus charge to his followers, as a kingdom priority greater than procreation, is to make disciples.

In Ephesians 5 the apostle Paul set a high and holy standard for marriage. Yet in 1 Corinthians 7 he assigned even higher value to the single life. As a missionary apostle, completely invested in the work of the kingdom, Paul wanted to be holy (set apart) in body and spirit for the mission of “making disciples” in undivided, single-minded devotion to Jesus; and he hoped for others to emulate him in this calling.

Without responsibilities and concerns for a spouse and family, single persons can strive to give primary focus on the Lord Jesus and his mission on earth.   

Single living has been especially honored in the Church.

Through the centuries the Church has encouraged, enabled, and honored living for Jesus as a single person. In the early centuries, with vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, monasticism emerged as an organized way to harness the advantages of living as a single person.

In our first ministry assignment, Connie and I found spiritual refreshment in a Catholic charismatic prayer meeting led by Father Bruno, a Benedictine. In his Benedictine community, Father Bruno followed a discipline of singing through all 150 psalms every week. As a result, within minutes of the start of the prayer meeting, Father Bruno would be in the presence of Jesus. An hour later, Connie and I would finally enter into the presence of the Lord.

The monastic movement is a tangible reminder that all of us need to ask ourselves: What is my life purpose? And how can I best order or recalibrate my life to focus on this purpose?

In Protestant churches, single persons can find the equivalent of monastic vows in the spiritual disciplines of living simply which frees them to serve generously and joyfully; of living in purity without relationships based on romance; and of serving others in faithful obedience to the call of God.

Single living is not easy.

The fact that both marriage and singleness are callings and gifts from God does not mean that either is easy. Whether never-married, divorced, or widowed, persons in these circumstances experience significant challenges.

Recently a good friend died unexpectedly at age 80. Now his widow is coping with the anxiety, uncertainty, and adjustments of living single. Many married couples have experienced the trauma of divorce with an unexpected return to single living. Singles who have never married may be serving children and youth with a shadow of awareness that they do not have children of their own.

Amid these challenges, singles can find support and strength in community—specifically, in a wide range of love relationships. With intentionality, especially when this is reciprocal, single persons can cultivate friendships in the church, make time to be with natural family, seek camaraderie among work colleagues, and nurture relationships with friends, single and married, who are “kindred spirits.”

Our daughter Brooke and her son Kaleb experience this every year at a foster/adoption family camp. “For one week every summer,” she says, “a group of families with single, divorced, and married parents and fostered, adopted, and biological children and youth live as an extended family—and a microcosm of the Church. As they are able, everyone looks out for everyone else. No one is trying to pretend they have it all together, which provides opportunities for mutual care and support across all of the identifiers that the world would say separate us.”

Even with good community, living single is built on trust in God.

A common belief about marriage is that we can contend with a scary world by having someone at our side, one who will never leave us, no matter what we encounter. And there is a measure of truth in this.

Anyone who lives single can know that one person in God, who is “our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1-3). Numerous biblical promises assure single persons of God’s presence, care, and provision. For persons living single, these promises are, at one and the same time, a source of great assurance and a recurring challenge to trust in God. Knowing and trusting in these promises is a practical strategy for sustaining a mindset of faith, hope, and love in living for Jesus as a single person.

Single persons have the opportunity (and need) to develop deep intimacy with Jesus. In a very real sense, the partner, the confidant, the ever-present companion, the spouse of all who live single for Jesus . . . is Jesus himself.

Contrary to common conceptions, single living can be purposeful, fruitful, rich, and fulfilling. After all, the only one who was ever fully human was Jesus, and he lived single in the most pure, beautiful, and attractive life ever lived on earth.

This is the first of three posts on kingdom relationships: single, married, chaste.